Early in my pregnancy there was a pivotal moment that began a holy passage. After learning we were pregnant with our third child, I was ashamed to admit that I wasn’t entirely happy. It wasn’t happening according to my plan. I was well aware of how my life, and sanity, stood in precarious balance where all of the resources within me were occupied with the work of mothering and ministering. Quite honestly, I was doubtful I had anything left to give to another. It was shameful, but it was my truth — a truth a dear friend received with grace.

How freeing it was to name those feelings to my friend as she lovingly listened. In her wisdom she encouraged me to visualize myself working through those feelings and living into the transition moment in partnership with the unborn child within me. With my hands placed over my stomach and tears rolling down my face, I began a relationship with my son Carter.

From that moment my pregnancy became the most sacred spiritual journey not only toward his birth into this world, but also to the birth of something new and wonderful within me. Over those months he was growing and developing within me, new life was also being formed in wonderfully poetic and figurative ways as God breathed clarity and light into places that had become clouded and dark. It became for me a reconnection with God’s generative spirit, a renewal of intentionality with how I serve and honor God’s calling on all aspects of my life. I had always thought of pregnancy as a time of a mother forming and sustaining the life within, but this was a completely different experience. He was forming me as much as I was forming him.

This was no tidy and neat transformation. It was painful and radical as well as not altogether welcome. It was filled with morning sickness, fatigue, elevated blood pressure, and ultimately an unplanned cesarean section and recovery from the trauma of invasive surgery. When I would push myself onward to the frantic pace of my to-do list, my lack of energy or morning sickness would force me to slow down or stop altogether. My doctor would take my blood pressure and then give me stern instructions to go home and rest, to which I laughed. I was keenly aware of my limitations and the more I would revolt and push against them, the more my body seemed to dig in its heels in protest. I could almost hear his tiny voice saying, “Pay attention to what is at your core, find center, operate with intentionality from there, do what is essential for it is more than sufficient.” Through Carter, God was shaping me, connecting with me, and teaching me. God was breathing new life into my soul just as new life was taking form in my body.

Those months were a precious time when God gave me a partner to help me reorient myself from the frantic path I was on. I had no idea how much I needed to be filled with the Spirit, how my work could be driven by intentionality, how clarity could be cultivated within my soul by finding and operating out of my core. God provided my own little gestation period of nurture. Thanks be to God.